3 Small Shifts That Can Change the Tone of Your Marriage This Holiday Season

The holidays have a way of turning up the volume on everything.

The expectations, the schedules, the old patterns you thought you’d outgrown...

For many couples, this season doesn’t just bring joy—it brings tension. You’re together more, stretched thinner, and trying to “make it through” instead of actually enjoying each other.

And if you’re someone who’s driven, responsible, and used to pushing through pressure, your instinct might be to tell yourself, "We’ll deal with our marriage after the holidays".

But what if you didn’t need a full overhaul to feel more connected right now? What if just a few small shifts could change the tone of your marriage—starting this week?

Here are three simple, intentional shifts that can create more peace, warmth, and connection during the busiest time of year.

1. Repair Faster Than You Normally Would

Conflict during the holidays is almost inevitable.

You’re tired, you’re juggling more, and you’re surrounded by family dynamics and unspoken expectations.

What creates distance isn’t the conflict itself—it’s how long it lingers.

Many couples wait until they “feel ready” to repair. But readiness often turns into avoidance, and avoidance turns into emotional distance that quietly grows.

This season, try making repair a priority—not a reward for when things calm down.

Repair doesn’t have to be long or dramatic. It can sound like:

• “I don’t want this to sit between us.”
• “That came out sharper than I meant.”
• “Can we reset?”

High-performing couples (and people) often want to get it right. But connection doesn’t require perfection, it requires willingness. The faster you repair, the less weight the conflict carries into the rest of the day.

2. Lower the Bar for “How This Is Supposed to Feel”

Many couples enter the holidays with a quiet script in their minds: This should be special. This should feel joyful. This should bring us closer. And when it doesn’t? Disappointment turns into resentment.

Here’s a reframe that can be surprisingly freeing: The goal of the holidays isn’t constant closeness—it’s shared humanity.

You don’t have to feel deeply connected every moment to be okay. You don’t have to have meaningful conversations every night. You don’t have to recreate someone else’s highlight reel.

Instead, aim for:

• A few moments of warmth
• A few genuine check-ins
• A willingness to give each other grace

When you release the pressure for the holidays to fix your marriage, you often create the space for connection to naturally return.

3. Choose Curiosity Over Efficiency

If you’re used to solving problems for a living, efficiency is second nature. But in marriage—especially during emotional seasons—efficiency can feel like disconnection.

When your spouse is frustrated, overwhelmed, or withdrawn, your instinct may be to:

• Offer solutions
• Minimize the issue
• Move things along

Instead, try slowing down and choosing curiosity. Curiosity sounds like:

• “What’s been hardest for you this week?”
• “What do you need from me right now?”
• “Help me understand what this is bringing up for you.”

You don’t need to fix the feeling for it to soften. You don’t need the perfect words for your presence to matter. Often, being understood is more regulating than being helped.

A Gentle Reminder as the Year Winds Down

You don’t need to transform your marriage before the new year. You don’t need to resolve everything that’s felt heavy this year. You don’t need more time, you need more intention.

These small shifts won’t make the holidays perfect, but they can make them softer. They can make them warmer. They can remind you that you’re on the same team. And sometimes, that’s exactly what a marriage needs to find its way back to connection.

If your marriage has felt distant, strained, or stuck this season, know this: You’re not failing. You’re human. And there are intentional ways forward. Even during the holidays.