#13 - Attachment Longings
What if every time you got angry, defensive, or resentful—there was actually a deeper longing underneath trying to tell you something?
In this episode, Brett unpacks attachment longings: the core desires we all have to be seen, valued, and cared for in our relationships. He explains how these longings are tied to our insecurities, and how unmet longings drive the conflict cycle that keeps couples stuck in the same frustrating patterns.
You'll learn:
* What attachment longings are and why they matter in every relationship
* How unmet longings create the anger, defensiveness, and resentment you experience
* Where these longings come from (and why childhood matters more than you think)
* The surprising connection between your insecurities and what you need from others
* How to identify YOUR specific attachment longings so you can communicate them
* Why 69% of marital challenges are ongoing—and what to do about it
💡 Plus: Brett shares his own attachment longing (wanting to feel like "the bee's knees" to his wife) and how getting vulnerable about it transformed his marriage.
📊 Research-backed insight: Studies show that secure individuals report significantly higher relationship satisfaction, and people with stable close relationships have higher psychological well-being. Recent 2025 research found that early dynamics with mothers predicted attachment styles across ALL future relationships—including with romantic partners.
🎯 The bottom line: When you feel angry, frustrated, defensive, or resentful, you're experiencing a protective emotion. Underneath it is a primary emotion (feeling rejected, unseen, unheard), and underneath THAT is an attachment longing (to be valued, respected, cherished, chosen). The more you develop language for these longings, the less you'll be stuck throwing "sippy cups" and the more you can create secure, satisfying relationships.
🎁 Want to go deeper? Learn the Connection Framework—Brett's process for navigating conflict, identifying attachment longings, and moving from insecurity to reassurance in your relationship.
👉 Visit www.marriageessentials.com for resources and workshops
